June 9, 2011

these contexts in your head, once again

"Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
I think that I might break"

photos Kristina Lerner
I need to escape.
If not the inner workings of my over analytical brain, then this place.
You'd think with the excessive traveling and the constant moving would be escapism enough.
Yet, the problem with running away, escaping...you are still there.

Recently, I've come to terms with being by myself. Well, rather trying not to idealism what it would be like to have a group of close friends. I always think it will change which each move. I think to myself, "this time it'll be different". Of course, it never is and inevitably I am disappoint. Not with others but myself. Self-deprecation sets in, as well as the depression. And the one word that is etched into my mind is "why".

Reflecting on the past 6 months, hell the past two years, it becomes more apparent that I can't go on like this forever. Pretending. Pushing away the ones I love, accepting chaos into my life. Allowing myself to spiral out of control, buying into the madness, the hype...self-sabotaging, hurting others, disappointing others, not giving people the chance to see the Patrice that isn't this crazy, intense "rager". A title that I never bothered to dispel from people's thoughts on me. Mainly in fear that if I wasn't this person that no one would ever want to be friends with the person who I truly am. Which clearly has done me well because I still feel as isolated as ever. There is only so much you can drink and so many drugs you can take before those toxic remedies can't even nullify the pain your feel inside. So you continue pretend. It's easier. Hide your sad eyes. Act outgoing, wild, crazy, anything to disguise your distain for it all, the sadness. Give that seemingly genuine smile and nod you have perfected over the years. Stick to simple topics. Nothing too deep. Only the basics. Don't talk about politics or books. Break up the monotony of your voice. Smile again. Have a few more drinks and then a few more. This should help you talk more comfortably. Talk absolute nonsense that is...

It's a conflict that never truly ends with one's self. Being brave enough to be yourself or being what you think others want you to be or even what you think you should be.

It's wasted effort really. Either people will take to you or not. Yet, I can't help but feel that at my age it's harder to try and make friends. Everyone already has their small circle of friends they've known for a while and they really aren't accepting applications for new members. Sure you'll hang out with these people and at best, have a mediocre conversation but you'll never really be apart of the group. You'll always sort of feel like you are on the outside looking in. You'll never try and learn more about them nor will they try and learn more about you because again it's easier. It's easier to keep everything superficial. The less people know you about you the better, the less you know about other people the better. It sort of let's you off the hook doesn't it?

ph. unknown

So, what have I decided to do? Cut and run! No, just kidding. Maybe...

I spend most of my time working, working and oh yeah working. Then I come home to my room filled with moving boxes (moving on to move number 16), find something on Netflix to watch and/or devour one of many books I buy each week. (I am almost finished with The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby by Tom Wolfe. Really good read.)

I am back doing work for the ACLU and Oxfam. I've been running 5k's for various organizations, biking riding and continuing to suck hardcore on the drums. Okay, maybe I can eliminate "hardcore" but I still am not the greatest.

Maybe I'm a bit happier this way. Well at least this is healthier for me. Removing myself from the equation. Sure it's easy to say "Don't care about what other's think of you or say about you" or my personal favorite *note sarcasm* "just do you!" but really I don't care WHO you are, what others say and think of you does affect you in someway. Especially when it builds up overtime. You can only be strong for so long...

And when everyone doubts you or is rooting for you to fail there's only so much hope you have left to hold onto.

Sometimes you just have to move on from it all...


Jessi said...

is it totally bizarre that I've been feeling the exact same way for the past 2 weeks?

Hvitveis said...

hello! Lurker coming out alert!

It absolutly sucks to feel like that.
I am one of those who have few, but very good friends, and somtimes I wish I could be part of a group of people.

Anyways, thinking is good. Thats what your brain is for. As long as you recognize what is mental churning and what is learning and concious thought, thinking is important.

Good luck on your moving!


Chloe said...

Don't delete this like you always do; I'm glad you wrote this.

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