don't call this a comeback (no, really don't)

I've been neglecting this blog for too long. My life went from kind of weird, kind of crazy to insanity in just a matter of a couple months. I don't even think insane can even begin to describe my life at the moment or since I've last posted on here. I feel like a complete different person. As if I weren't neurotic enough before, I am Woody Allen on crack. Yes, Woody Allen on crack, which makes me a fucking annoying person to be around. Let's see I've become cafe manager at B&N and that's been interesting and since that wasn't enough, let's throw the fact I thought it would be a good idea to get a second job at Sephora clocking me in anywhere from 45 hours a week to 60. And somehow fitting in shooting? Shooting stuff that I haven't posted...going through and editing photos from back in AUGUST. 

What is sleep and what is a weekend? And when I finally had 3 days off IN A ROW from BOTH jobs, that was shot to shit and I did fuck all, to which I am now paying for severely. Scrambling to catch up on things during times I should try to catch an hour or two of sleep so I don't lose what's left of my mind. I mean, I really shouldn't complain though, right? I am employed, I have a roof over my head, I am living comfortably, I am just being another ungrateful American. But hell if I am not tired and can't wait to return to somewhat of a normal state of mind after the holidays. At least everything won't seem SO intense and SO dramatic. I go from one end of the emotional spectrum to the next in 10 seconds, no, 5 seconds or less. Basically, I am what some people may call an emotional wreck, a ticking time bomb. I've done a good job at neglecting my family members, my friends or at least the two that I had and/or generally just pissing off everyone because you never know what mood I am going to be in that day. Feels SO different from summer where everything was so chill, even fall was rather chill...I am hoping that it's just the holidays and the workload I've taken on and things will make some sort of sense soon. I would like to unpack my room just to pack back up in May again. I would like to have a social life. I would like to sleep and not be so erratic. Maybe actually email my friends back in a sensibly amount of time and not 2 months later. There is always that catch 22. If you email too long after the fact you're an asshole, if you don't email at all you're an even bigger asshole. Anyways, this is my major rant post. I haven't done one of these for a while. I hope to do more of them, typos, grammatical errors and ALL! 

Hopefully, on my downtime that I should be using to sleep, I shall get my photos organized to post here. And get back to a semi-regular posting schedule. I have missed posting on here and wonder if anyone still checks to see if there is an update. 

Until next time, dig on this song I can't stop listening to at the moment by Cat Power. I mean I could kick myself for getting into her new album so late and missing her and my mates X-Ray Eyeballs play in Chicago.

"I feel tired
Awake all night
Head so heavy like a wastebasket
I feel choke emotionally broke
In the gutter and I'm still lookin down
I feel alone I want out I want on my own
I want everything I own I find letters pictures
Memories of what you can't seem to let go" 

these contexts in your head, once again

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
I think that I might break"

photos Kristina Lerner

I need to escape.

If not the inner workings of my over analytical brain, then this place.

You'd think with the excessive traveling and the constant moving would be escapism enough.

Yet, the problem with running away, escaping...you are still there.

Recently, I've come to terms with being by myself. Well, rather trying not to idealism what it would be like to have a group of close friends. I always think it will change which each move. I think to myself, "this time it'll be different". Of course, it never is and inevitably I am disappoint. Not with others but myself. Self-deprecation sets in, as well as the depression. And the one word that is etched into my mind is "why".

Reflecting on the past 6 months, hell the past two years, it becomes more apparent that I can't go on like this forever. Pretending. Pushing away the ones I love, accepting chaos into my life. Allowing myself to spiral out of control, buying into the madness, the hype...self-sabotaging, hurting others, disappointing others, not giving people the chance to see the Patrice that isn't this crazy, intense "rager". A title that I never bothered to dispel from people's thoughts on me. Mainly in fear that if I wasn't this person that no one would ever want to be friends with the person who I truly am. Which clearly has done me well because I still feel as isolated as ever. There is only so much you can drink and so many drugs you can take before those toxic remedies can't even nullify the pain your feel inside. So you continue pretend. It's easier. Hide your sad eyes. Act outgoing, wild, crazy, anything to disguise your distain for it all, the sadness. Give that seemingly genuine smile and nod you have perfected over the years. Stick to simple topics. Nothing too deep. Only the basics. Don't talk about politics or books. Break up the monotony of your voice. Smile again. Have a few more drinks and then a few more. This should help you talk more comfortably. Talk absolute nonsense that is...

It's a conflict that never truly ends with one's self. Being brave enough to be yourself or being what you think others want you to be or even what you think you should be.

It's wasted effort really. Either people will take to you or not. Yet, I can't help but feel that at my age it's harder to try and make friends. Everyone already has their small circle of friends they've known for a while and they really aren't accepting applications for new members. Sure you'll hang out with these people and at best, have a mediocre conversation but you'll never really be apart of the group. You'll always sort of feel like you are on the outside looking in. You'll never try and learn more about them nor will they try and learn more about you because again it's easier. It's easier to keep everything superficial. The less people know you about you the better, the less you know about other people the better. It sort of let's you off the hook doesn't it?

ph. unknown

So, what have I decided to do? Cut and run! No, just kidding. Maybe...

I spend most of my time working, working and oh yeah working. Then I come home to my room filled with moving boxes (moving on to move number 16), find something on Netflix to watch and/or devour one of many books I buy each week. (I am almost finished with The Kandy-Kolored Tangerine-Flake Streamline Baby by Tom Wolfe. Really good read.)

I am back doing work for the ACLU and Oxfam. I've been running 5k's for various organizations, biking riding and continuing to suck hardcore on the drums. Okay, maybe I can eliminate "hardcore" but I still am not the greatest.

Maybe I'm a bit happier this way. Well at least this is healthier for me. Removing myself from the equation. Sure it's easy to say "Don't care about what other's think of you or say about you" or my personal favorite *note sarcasm* "just do you!" but really I don't care WHO you are, what others say and think of you does affect you in someway. Especially when it builds up overtime. You can only be strong for so long...

And when everyone doubts you or is rooting for you to fail there's only so much hope you have left to hold onto.

Sometimes you just have to move on from it all...